Biblical Counsel for a Godly Marriage

This study is dedicated to my wife Hannah,
the woman God gave me to love and care for.

Table of Contents

Introduction

After twenty eight years of marriage, this is a collection of my best ideas and the best advice I have received. May this study challenge you to walk closer with our Lord and if you are married, or ever plan to be, to be a better spouse.

After spending the summer at Summit Ministries , my oldest daughter posed a question to me, "what is Marriage?" More recently, I was working with a struggling teenager who was suffering from a guilty conscience because he was starting to notice girls. He felt that this was the unpardonable sin.

These questions opened the door for other ones. For instance, what are Victorian ethics? And are they the same thing as Christian ethics? I still do not know the answer to this question.¹ Of course, no study on marriage would be complete without advice on how to prepare our children for a successful marriage, and giving the husbands and wifes tips on how to have a better marriage.

What are Victorian Ethics?

Since Victorian Ethics paved the way for our modern worldview, and is a worldview that colors our own perception of right and wrong, this is a good place to start. Two thoughts have held my curiosity for a while. First, what are Victorian Ethics? Second, is there a significant distinction between Victorian ethics and Christian ethics? If so, have we unknowingly replaced our Christian ethics with Victorian ones?

These questions are not easy to answer, since most critics of Victorian ethics have also discarded Christian ethics as archaic. The truth is, in the Victorian era² different people held to different types of morality, making the age a hard one to label.

Even so, these are not idle questions; I am leading up to a few even harder ones that I think we should answer. For instance, is it wrong to think about sex? Why do many unbelievers assume that Christians are opposed to sex, or believe that sex is dirty? I actually know some Christians who do believe that sexual thoughts are taboo. Some women dress in plain, colorless, shapeless garb for this reason. Surly it is wrong for us men to have fantasizes involving fornication. However, where do we draw the line?

Recently we were working with a young man who was going through some major struggles in his life. When we started counseling him, he was very confused. He had not slept without nightmares in about two weeks. It seems that he felt condemned to eternal torment because he could not get rid of sinful thoughts about girls. His parents had raised him with a very strict Christian upbringing, in fact, they were so strict, they taught their sons that it was wrong for them to even think about girls.

Reflecting on this, I remembered that another very important man in history went through the same struggles. His name was Alfred Kinsey. According to his biographer,³ Alfred Kinsey's parents raised him in a strict Christian home. Even so, he went through the struggles normal to boys while he was growing up. Like many others, he became frustrated, being too ashamed to discuss them. Finally, in open rebellion against God, he became a homosexual and as the author of Sexual Behavior in the Human Male single handedly did more to legitimize homosexuality and start the sexual revolution in the late 1950s than any other single individual. As a young man, he feared God; as an older adult, he made open war against him. What went wrong?

Actually many things went wrong in Alfred Kinsey’s life. One of them, the one that we will look at, is the belief that Christians think sex is dirty; in fact, some may be offended in this paper for questioning that thought. Should we as Christians teach that sex is dirty and that even discussing it defiles us? Jesus taught:

For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies: These are the things which defile a man: but to eat with unwashen hands defileth not a man. - Matthew 15:19-20

In these verses, Jesus answers the question for our thoughts about adultery or fornication. However, what if I notice that a woman is beautiful, without desiring to commit adultery? Or, what if I just notice that a woman is … well a woman.

If you expect me to start quoting from the Song of Solomon at this point, you will be disappointed. Rather I will look at an account from the life of Jesus.

And, behold, a woman in the city, which was a sinner, when she knew that Jesus sat at meat in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster box of ointment, And stood at his feet behind him weeping, and began to wash his feet with tears, and did wipe them with the hairs of her head, and kissed his feet, and anointed them with the ointment. - Luke 7:37-38

To be honest, if a woman came up to me, whether I was at some religious person’s house or not, and out of gratitude started to behave the way she did, I would feel guilty. Why? Am I offended because of my Christian worldview, or because of my Victorian Ethics? Jesus would not have allowed her intimate behavior if it were sinful for him to do so. In another incident when Jesus was teaching:

And it came to pass, as he spake these things, a certain woman of the company lifted up her voice, and said unto him, Blessed is the womb that bare thee, and the paps which thou hast sucked. But he said, Yea rather, blessed are they that hear the word of God, and keep it.
- Luke 11:27-28

How long could I talk like this at a religious gathering before the elders suggested that instead of being so explicit, I should simply say something like, “blessed is your mother.” Yet Jesus did not correct her for her speech, rather he followed up on her point.

Here is the problem. To teach our sons that it is a sin to notice girls may work while he is a child; however, when he suddenly becomes a young man he will not be able help that he is in a man’s body. If he believes that his new feelings are sinful, he may be too ashamed to talk about them, but that will not change his feelings. If he is too ashamed to talk of his feelings, his parents may not see the real problem at a time when their young man needs guidance .

Is it a sin for a young man to notice that a female is female or to notice an attractive girl? Many believe that the answer is yes, or else why did Jesus say:

Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. - Matthew 5:27-28

Christians often quote this verse to suggest that whoever looks on a woman has committed adultery in his heart. Bear with me for a moment, though, as I walk across thin ice and suggest that we may be misunderstanding this verse.

First, when Jesus says commits adultery, He is talking about desiring a married woman . In fact the Greek word translated woman is γυνή (pronounced goo-nay'). This word is also translated wife and is the only word that is translated wife in the New Testament. We all agree it is wrong to covet another man’s wife.

The reason I am willing to walk on thin ice is that I believe every young man who asks a woman to marry him desires her. This does not mean that he has committed adultery in his heart. In fact, I would not want a young man to marry my daughter if he did not have any desire for her, would you?

The problem is we have taken the words your neighbor's out of, "Don't covet your neighbor's wife", and replaced them with the words a wife. We have also taken the words worldly and evil out of the following verses:

Teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world; - Titus 2:12

AND

Now these things were our examples, to the intent we should not lust after evil things, as they also lusted. - 1 Corinthians 10:6

The word lust in the above Scriptures is ἐπιθυμία, which is also translated as desire. Take, for example, Luke 22:15.

And [Jesus] said unto them, With desire I have desired to eat this passover with you before I suffer: - Luke 22:15

Titus 2:12 and 1 Corinthians 10:6 are not cautioning us to have no desires, but to not desire evil or worldly things. Have our Victorian ethics caused us to believe that all desire is evil?

But are there not other verses that say not to look on a woman? What about Job? Is there not a verse in the book of Job that says we should not look on a young maid?

I made a covenant with mine eyes; why then should I think upon a maid? - Job 31:1

The issue again is adultery; Job was married. Even more important is that Job did not state that it was a sin to see a girl; he was concerned with his thoughts. The reason we know it was not a sin for Job to notice that girls were pretty, is because at the end of his book, the author (can we assume that it was Job?) notes the beauty of Job’s daughters. He would not have noted that if it were a sin.

And in all the land were no women found so fair as the daughters of Job: and their father gave them inheritance among their brethren.
- Job 42:15

The best evidence that feminine beauty is not a taboo subject is that God uses a woman’s beauty to describe his love for his people.

I have caused thee to multiply as the bud of the field, and thou hast increased and waxen great, and thou art come to excellent ornaments: thy breasts are fashioned, and thine hair is grown, whereas thou wast naked and bare. Now when I passed by thee, and looked upon thee, behold, thy time was the time of love; and I spread my skirt over thee, and covered thy nakedness: yea, I swore unto thee, and entered into a covenant with thee, saith the Lord GOD, and thou becamest mine. Then washed I thee with water; yea, I throughly washed away thy blood from thee, and I anointed thee with oil. I clothed thee also with embroidered work, and shod thee with badgers' skin, and I girded thee about with fine linen, and I covered thee with silk. I decked thee also with ornaments, and I put bracelets upon thy hands, and a chain on thy neck. And I put a jewel on thy forehead, and earrings in thine ears, and a beautiful crown upon thine head. Thus wast thou decked with gold and silver; and thy raiment was of fine linen, and silk, and embroidered work; thou didst eat fine flour, and honey, and oil: and thou wast exceeding beautiful, and thou didst prosper into a kingdom. And thy renown went forth among the heathen for thy beauty: for it was perfect through my comeliness, which I had put upon thee, saith the Lord GOD. - Ezekiel 16:7-14 ⁴

If you need more proof, read the Song of Solomon. The reason this is important is that ignoring our sexuality does not work. For example, the press has given much coverage to Roman Catholic priests who broke their vows of chastity. If the Roman Catholic Church had followed the Apostle Paul's advice, many of their scandals would not have happened.

Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. - 1 Corinthians 7:2

Conclusion

Though I failed to define Victorian Ethics, I have made a case for removing the taboo of noticing our sexuality and having feelings. Rather, as Jesus taught, let us make fornication and adultery the taboo. God made all life male and female.⁵ Let our young men enjoy being men and the young women enjoy, well... being young. Instead of prohibiting discussion, we should be guiding our young adults on the narrow path until they have more experience being adults.

The Purpose of Marriage for God

The same God who made us male and female also gave us the institution of marriage. Why? First, God said plainly to the prophet Malachi that he instituted marriage so that he could have godly children.

And did not [God] make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.  - Malachi 2:15

God implied that marriage is required in order to have godly children when He said to the prophet Hosea:

And I will not have mercy upon her children; for they be the children of whoredoms.
- Hosea 2:4

We see in our country an epidemic of divorce and fornication, with parents disregarding the fact that children raised without the benefit of married parents have many disadvantages in life. It may not seem fair to punish children for their adulterous parents, but the truth is, if we do not respect God’s wishes in this matter, our children will pay the price with lower grades, poor social skills and more jail time.¹⁰

The second reason God instituted marriage, is that he delights in our pleasure. Later in the book of Hosea, he compares the relationship between God and his people to marriage.

And it shall be at that day, saith the LORD, that thou shalt call me Ishi [your husband]; and shalt call me no more Baali [lord or master].

 [...]

And I will betroth thee unto me forever; yea, I will betroth thee unto me in righteousness, and in judgment, and in lovingkindness, and in mercies. I will even betroth thee unto me in faithfulness: and thou shalt know the LORD.  - Hosea 2:16, 19-20

I have tried to dispel the myth that God did not intend Christians to be sexual creatures. If we avoid fornication and adultery, we have nothing of which to be ashamed.

Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge. - Hebrews 13:4